Healing

Descendance. The cold currents that are fighting my fall are breaking my skin, they are trying to push my shadow up and turn it into a parachute. But the light fades, my shadow dissolves into thick darkness, as I lose my self into visual void.

The currents are invading my lungs, trying to make me float, but it’s such a desperate measure and it’s making me even heavier, making my airways hurt, blocking my breathing and making me fall even faster.

The thick darkness is trying to dissolve me and to stop me from falling by dissipating me in its nothingness. But, somehow, my body refuses, and I still exist and am still falling into something I can’t see.

If before I could hear the wind crying my loss, now it’s all very quiet and I still am not sure how I exist.

My teeth have been pressing hard on my lips, trying to supress my painful lungs, and now I can feel the sore taste of metallic and salty, gradually blocking my throat. I have stopped trying to shout for help, my voice was replaced by scary cries of despair until gravity stole it.

I am not sure if I am floating or falling anymore, I am not sure if I am dizzy or just… a bit lost and numb. Have I hit the ground? Have I fallen through the Centre of the Earth and gone into space? I feel no gravity anymore and I think I have died. Have I? If I have, how am I still thinking? I don’t think I have turned into something else, my memory would have disappeared I think. Am I just a memory of some sort turned into a speck of dust, maybe I have been incinerated and now I am just floating by, but because I have no eyes, I can’t see. Silly you, you are a scientist, stop talking such nonsense. Am I?

Suddenly my eyes begin to re-focus, the darkness seems to be disappearing and it looks like I am going through water, don’t know if up or down, forward or backwards, I am just moving. I’m not breathing, don’t know when I had forgotten to breathe for the first time and then I stopped for good. My hair seems to be glowing into the rays of light that are cutting the blue that is gradually turning lighter.

I cannot feel taste, as if the salt of my tears has crystalized all my senses while turning into a sea.

I try reaching out into the specks of blinding and burning light and that’s when I am pulled out. Fast, hurtful, I fly higher and higher and higher, into sickening dizziness. But I am scared, what have I done, I want to look back. And I do. I don’t know how I manage to stop, and I turn around trying to look down.

All I manage to see is a massive mirror of crystallized flakes of salt floating into a mass of deep blue. And my reflection, small and far. Once I meet its gaze, I am pushed by strong currents again into an even quicker descendance. I am reaching myself, quicker, quicker, quicker. I am so mesmerized by my eyes that I can’t stop; my eyes, so deeply lost – I have to break them. I push myself into falling faster, I have to reach myself NOW. And then I reach it, I throw myself with all my weight into what now turns into a mass of sharp shards, all micro-reflections of my own self, of my wild red eyes, hair that has been ripped apart, bruised and bleeding skin, trembling hands.

I take a deep breath and blow them all away, with the wind helping me make them disappear.

Disappear.

Goodbye.