I feel like spilling this out, because otherwise it will just crush my chest. I hear very often „you are passionate about everything!”, „your passion shines so bright, it’s blinding!”, „I can’t be as passionate as you are!”, but I also hear „you need to stop at some point, you know”, „I am concerned about your well-being”, „isn’t this too much for you?”.
Sometimes I make the mistake of considering my massive insight and my ability to think and see things so deeply as being flaws, but they’re definitely not. We are all so wonderful just by being so different: our ability to push our limits to achieve our aims; the difference in what we dream of; the difference in what brings us joy and fulfils us; what makes our eyes sparkle just by thinking about that one thing; what completes us and what, if taken away, would leave us miserable, aimless and empty.
I think I was lucky, at 27, though at the beginning of my journey (will I ever not consider it as a „beginning?”), to have found what I love more than myself: medicine. Medicine and everything that it involves: my patients, my colleagues, medical politics, everything!
When I was a med student I used to leave the house at 7 am and come back at 10 pm that day or the next day at 10 pm (with the last bus/underground). I used to spend my nights in the hospital/on the ambulance, I used to spend my free time with all sorts of voluntary work, and I still managed to get good grades as well. I absorbed it all in all my pores, the joy and comfort it brought me was infinite, it cushioned the sores that my body had. Red massively swollen legs? Vomiting due to tiredness? Falling asleep on a chair? – I had them all and I regret nothing!
Now, when I am asked about how I can cope with all the things that I am involved in, I laugh, because… This is me! When I moved to the UK I felt so empty without any voluntary work (my clinical attachment did not count, though it was something similar to that) – I used to moan so often about „not having a purpose any more”, I used to shadow night shifts as well just to „not get rusty”.
When I moved to the job in Salisbury and managed to get myself involved little by little in more and more things, my passion was so fiery and unused that I just… flew forward quickly. It was and still is a steep learning curve, but I am doing my best (though my thirst for it all is still disproportionate to what I can actually do). There is a reason why I see my family once a year: all this, all this selfless love for what I am doing. Take it away from me and you will make me miserable – that’s what I told my seniors. And it’s so true, but probably a lot less dramatic than what I would actually feel if that were to happen.
Yes, I might not be understood, but that is all right. I am doing what I love, this is the ATP that my cells need for me to exist and, even though everything is „one step forward and two steps back”, I am still moving forward.
Wake me up at 2 am and I will gladly talk to you about ECGs, about the BMA, about congenital heart diseases – I dare you to try and wake me up! You would actually make me happy!
If you are reading this and you have ever felt or will ever feel like this about anything: your hobby, your job, your lover, your cat – it is all right! You are on the right track! 🙂